


The summer I didn't overdose (but would've felt less painful if I did)

by My_Evak_Heart



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-11 19:42:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20159038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Evak_Heart/pseuds/My_Evak_Heart
Summary: Jules knocks on Rue's door after two months of absence





	The summer I didn't overdose (but would've felt less painful if I did)

Two months have passed since Rue had last seen Jules.

That night, at the train station, she took one of the most difficult decision: letting the one she loved go. She knew she'd be heartbroken after she'd watch Jules's train leave, but, as tempting and thriving as running away with Jules sounded, she couldn't go with her.

Right as she was about to join Jules on the wagon, she, at the very last minute, had anxiety rushing to her brain, invading her thoughts. It wasn't only about not having her medication - Jules was right, she could get her medication anywhere.

What held Rue back was her mom and sister. She couldn't get on that train and leave with a peaceful mind knowing that her mom would freak out in the morning or that Gia would wake up and think she was missing. She couldn't worry her mom and sister like that; she had put them through enough already.

And, she had to look after Gia. She couldn't let her slip into her own past. It would kill her mom to go through this a second time. She would probably think she had failed at motherhood when she's in fact a good mother.

One year ago, Rue would've hopped on that train without any second thoughts and left this shitty town, but, after attending NA and listening to various people's visions, Rue realized that she had to stop being so selfish because her reckless actions didn't only affect her but also all the people around her. Her mom, her sister, her friends. Popping pills and snorting lines might make her feel good for a few hours, but she had never thought about the pain it caused to her mom who was trying to raise her two daughters on her own after losing her beloved husband, her sister who had found her on her bedroom floor, unconscious from an overdose or even Jules whom she had scared the shit out of when she had slept for over sixteen hours after taking fentanyl. 

On her way home, Rue had cried so much that she couldn't see shit and had to stop in the middle of the street. The pretty makeup that Jules had created on her was running down her face, mascara tears and glitter on her cheeks. The quiet of the night had been replaced by her sobs and ragged breaths. She was hyperventilating through her tears and her heart felt so, so tight.

She was a _mess_.

Rue couldn't remember having cried this much before - beside her father's death.

Summer was almost over and, surprisingly, it's been not too bad. She cried a lot. It was Rue's first real heartbreak and, it hit her hard. She stayed in bed for the first weeks of summer and her mother took her to the doctor to switch her medication, hating to see her daughter so depressed and anxious.

Then, she got better. She wasn't magically jolly, but she was able to get out of bed - and out of the house. She hung out with Lexie a lot and, some days, she almost forgot about Jules. _Almost_. Jules wasn't someone you easily forget about. Especially when she wasn't returning Rue's text or calls. Rue felt as if Jules had crossed her out of her life after they parted ways at the train station.

And, that hurt like hell. 

A knock on Rue's door pulled her out of her binge watch trance, buried under her covers despite the heat outside. She hadn't slept a wink last night, too captivated by this new series she had stumbled upon on Netflix. It was _that _good.

''Yes, Mom, I'll be coming for dinne-'' she said, without lifting her eyes from her laptop screen, expecting her mother.

Except, it wasn't her. It was Gia.

''Erm, Rue? Someone's at the door for you,'' the younger Bennett girl announced, looking a bit nervous.

Rue paused her show and furrowed her eyebrows. If it had been Lexie, Gia would've let her in and, beside her, Rue didn't have any friends or visitors so...who was it? 

She reluctantly left her bed nest and paddled down the hallway, opening the front door without a second thought and regretting immediately, seeing her visitor. Fuck. Rue slammed the door shut before any greetings were exchanged.

Although a bit rude, her action had mirrored perfectly her brain right now. Rue was _not_ prepared to see Jules on her doorstep - or seeing her at all. She hadn't given any signs of life over the summer and had never voice any intentions to return to this shitty town.

A part of Rue didn't want to open the door. She wasn't prepared for this and _hated_ to be in situations where she hadn't been warned about. It always caused her anxiety to riot inside her and she didn't feel good. As tempting as returning to her room and hiding under her covers was, she couldn't keep Jules waiting on the other side for an eternity.

And, if she didn't open the door, her mom would.

So, she took a deep breath and re-opened the door.

''Rue!'' an overexcited Jules yelled, jumping on Rue, arms flying around her and pulling her into a tight hug. Jules's hugs weren't like other's; they were long and cotton candy scented and Rue never wanted to let go of her. Her arms immediately wrapped around Rue's torso, leaning her head into the crook of Rue's neck and inhaled slowly, pulled her as close to me as possible. ''I missed you so much.''

Rue could feel the grin on Jules's lips through her soft voice, sending chills down her spine. 

''I...I missed you too,'' the brunette repeated, her voice more monotonous that Jules's.

Rue let Jules in and they went to her room. She closed the door and leaned to kiss Rue but Rue didn't let her, dodging her lips.

Jules frowned in confusion, a bit hurt. ''Did I do something? A-are we...not good?''

''You left, Jules.''

''But, I'm back, now.'' She took Rue's hands in hers, testing the waters, and offered a small smile. ''Aren't you happy to see me?''

''You don't understand. You didn't only left, you _vanished_ from the map for _two _months. I sent you texts all summer, I even called you and not once, _not once_ you returned them. And now, you come here and knock on my door and expect me to act as if you never left? I can't do that.''

Jules looked down apologetically. ''I'm sorry, Rue, I-''

Rue stepped back, removing her hands from Jules's. ''No, Jules! 'Sorry' won't fucking cut it. I know you were upset that I didn't come along with you but it wasn't a reason to not give me a sign of life. I was fucking worried about you. Did you not have phone service or even wifi to return a text? It only takes a few seconds, you know.'' Rue felt her lips wobble, her next words barely audible, voice cracking at the end. ''I...I thought you were breaking up with me-''

''No,'' Jules interrupted, shaking her head and stepping in, reaching to touch Rue's face, caressing her cheek gently. ''Why would I do that? I love you.''

''Do you really?'' 

The question shouldn't hurt this much, but Jules felt like she had been stabbed in the heart. Rue was the only person that Jules loved, so hearing that she doubted her feelings was extremely painful.

''Of course I love you.'' Her blue eyes stared into Rue's dark irises, trying to prove her sincerity.

Tearing her gaze away from the blonde, Rue took a seat on the edge of her bed, tugging at the sleeves of her hoodie until it covered her hands. ''Then why didn't you give me any fucking news?!'' Rue demanded, the built up frustration and slight anger perceptible under the sadness in her tone. 

To Jules, not getting news from someone meant that they were doing good; for Rue, it meant crippling anxiety and an overload of 'what if's. What if Jules didn't love her anymore? What if Jules had found someone else to love and be with, someone that was willing to follow her anywhere she went without worrying about her family? What if something had happened to her? She had the tendency to play with fire and put her life in jeopardy from lack of common sense. 

Sensing Rue's anxiety, Jules crouched in front of Rue's bed, putting a hand on her thigh, hoping it would calm the hamster on crack running in her head. ''While I was away, there wasn't a moment that I wasn't thinking about you. We went to so many cool places and, every time, I would think: Rue would _love_ this place.'' 

_We_? It sounded sour in Rue's mind.

''Were you with _Anna_?'' Jules casted her eyes down and Rue bit her lip, holding her emotions inside. ''I knew it...''

Even though they weren't exclusive, knowing that Jules had spent the summer with this Anna made her heart ache. 

''Rue-'' Jules started, but the other girl didn't let her finish.

''When I asked you if you were in love with Anna, you said yes. When I asked you if you were in love with me, you said yes. I thought I could accept being in love with someone who was in love with me and another person but, Jules, maybe _you_ can love two person at the same time and live a happy polyamorous relationship, but not me. I can't share a lover with someone else. I want you to myself and if I can't have that, if you can't give me that- I'm sorry, but it won't be possible.''

She felt terrible for giving Jules an ultimatum, but Rue had to think about her own happiness too. And, sharing Jules with Anna didn't make her happy. 

''Rue, I'm not going to lie, I had a good time with Anna...but she wasn't you, she'll _never_ replace you. When I met her, I'll admit that I confused her with you. In some ways, you are alike, but in others, you are very different. She made me feel like I was at my fucking peak. I was flourishing in some ways,'' Jules's smile faded, ''but I was losing myself in others.'' Jules paused, bracing herself for what she was about to say next, knowing it would be difficult for both she and Rue. ''You remember when you took fentanyl and I had to pick you up from Fezco's because you were so fucking high? When you woke up, I told you that I didn't want to be best friend with you if you were going to keep doing drugs.''

Her reckless actions had almost put an end to she and Jules's friendship, how could Rue not remember? 

''I got high with TC and Anna, all summer. We went clubbing and I smoked weed and took MDMA and ecstasy and- One night, I was so high that I woke up in a stranger's bed and didn't remember shit from the night before. It was terrifying. I called Anna right when I woke up and asked her to pick me up, she told me to take a uber and hung up. So, I called TC and, while in the car, I realized that if I had called you, I know that you would've come right away. I also know that you wouldn't have left my on my own while this high. Anna doesn't love me the same way you do.'' Jules's voice faltered, a sliver of doubt floating in her mind, thinking that Rue wouldn't want to be with her anymore.

Rue's heart stopped for a second and she glanced up. She opened her mouth but closed it, realizing something. Were Anna's unreciprocated feelings the reason behind Jules's return? Did she come back to Rue because her other option had failed? ''I don't want to be your default girlfriend...''

Standing up, Jules joined Rue on the bed, trying to ignore the uncomfortable lump of untucked bed sheet under her butt. ''You're not,'' she assured, grabbing Rue's hands in hers. ''You're not. You're my first choice, always have been.'' 

Rue remained silent but didn't removed her hands from the Jules's hold.

''Since the moment we met, you've always been there for me. You were my first friend when I moved, and then best friend. We have this special bond, you know? The night we met, you cleaned my wound after I made a dramatic scene at a party. Anyone would've been freaked out by how psycho I acted, but not you. You held out your hand and told me your name. You even helped me take sexy picture for someone else although you had feelings for me. You came over to my house after we had a disagreement and unleashed your worries and I was so touched. No one ever cared about me and my safety like that.''

While Jules's dad loved her and cared about her, he was easy to fool and lie to. When Jules was meeting some older men at shabby motels, she'd tell him she was going to some party or friend's house. She'd always stay vague and her old man never pushed. Like when he asked her about her relationship with Rue. He also never stayed up and wait for his daughter to return at night. He let Jules do as she wanted and never set her any rules. In a way, she saw this as freedom, in another, it could look as if he was not enough invested in his daughter's life - at least not like a parent should.

''Even though I stick out like a sore thumb, you never batted an eyelash at my differences. You asked questions, but never with an ounce of judgement. With you, I can be unapologetically myself. You let me express myself and support my crazy dreams of being a fashion designer and listen to me talk about fashion for hours, even though you don't know shit about fashion. You always support my decisions even if you don't always agree with them. When all is grim, you're the only one I can count on, the only one that'll take me with open arms and make me feel safe. When I first realized the deepness of my feelings for you, I was scared because I've never been in love before and it's all new, but I don't regret falling for you. I think it's the best thing that happened to me in a long time.'' Jules pulled her eyebrows, unsatisfied. ''_You_'re the best thing that happened to me in a long time,'' she corrected.

Tears threatened to slip from Rue's eyes as Jules finished, extremely touched by the blonde's speech. No one had ever declared their feelings for Rue in such ways. It felt...weird. But, a good weird.

Her body moved before her brain could process everything and, her arms were thrown around Jules's small frame, wild curls tickling the blonde's face. Rue's hands clutched the delicate fabric of Jules's shirt and Jules hugged Rue back, holding her as tight as possible, feeling like she needed it. 

''Don't even abandon me like that again,'' Rue mumbled, her voice small and dying out.

Jules kissed her cheek and pulled back a little, wiping at Rue's eyes before kissing both cheeks and forehead and chin and-

''Rue, dinner's ready! Is Jules staying for dinner?'' 


End file.
